And so it begins! We are a little behind schedule….I was expecting AF to arrive whilst I was on holiday but she decided to keep me hanging on as usual and arrived when we got home - fabulous!

So as planned with my new clinic and regime, I started the contraceptive pill on day one of my cycle. It seems a little ironic for someone infertile to be taking the pill but apparently it will boost my oestrogen levels which might help the numbers of eggs we get!

I have my first scan on the 4th August to make sure we are ready to rock n roll and then it all begins. I have a nurses appointment as well as this time I have to mix the new drugs (menapur) myself (EEK) and this is freaking me out. Injecting myself I am wierdly fine with its just the whole mixing it - what if I get it wrong?

I can’t believe I am starting again. I feel positive to be with this new clinic and that they are trying something new but at the same time I know they can’t perfome miracles and get this dreaded feeling that I will be facing a massive fall once again!

People are starting to whisper the words of either giving up or adoption and I am not there yet. Adoption is something we have always been interested in and will certainly consider when the time is right. We aren’t at that point yet. I also get that people are bored to tears with all of this and don’t want to him me ramble on. Why would they, they all have beautiful families and are going out and doing lovely family things and I am turning into some wierdo sadsac that can’t pull herself together!

Limbo certainly isnt fun but this is where I have spent my 30’s and its a wierd place to be. Doing IVF for a 4th time is a very very strange place to be and there are those that are shouting be positive and I am, but with three failed cycles there also needs to be some realism in my head so that it doesnt hurt as much if the worst happens.

So we have started again and will see where it leads from here - will blog again after the 4th when I know a little more.

Adios Amigos and hopefully see you soon Matilda

xxxx