So today all the drugs arrived ready to start again. This feels too familiar - almost a sense of de ja vu. I open the box and I recognise each and every drug and the memories come flooding back. That first evening of standing for an hour trying desperatley to inject myself and sobbing at the failure and hopelessness of it all. The undignified occassions when you have to shove a tablet up your bum and all the associated side-effects.

I have this over-whelming anxiety of how I will cope if this doesn’t work this time. I can’t feel that bad again and get through it. I need to find my PMA and give this a fighting chance. I wish we had managed to get some frozen embryos - the thought of going through that much pain after the EC scares me to my core. My friend Jackie assures me this time will be fine and its not supposed to feel like that. Fingers crossed.

Talking of Jackie - she has just got a BFP from her second session - I have to hope that this can be me too. I am so happy for her and her little cupcake. It couldn’t of happened to a nicer person. She has been there for me every step of the way.

I read an article in the Daily Mail this week, written by a vet saying that soon everyone will be having IVF instead of doing it the natural way. Whoever wrote that article has no idea just what you go through. I would give anything to be able to concieve like you are supposed to - in a moment of love.

I have ten days to find my mojo - I have to believe this is my time!

Today I am a day closer to holding my baby in my arms!

xx