Excuse me if I ramble but I am not in a good place tonight. It’s not that I have had a bad weekend - its been lovely. I have seen my friends, been to the cinema (went to see up in the air 6/10) had a shop and relaxed, but its when I am on my own that these feelings overwhelm me. G is on a stag do and won’t be back until the early hours and so I am left to think.

Tonight I don’t know if I can do this, tonight everything feels useless. It isnt the process - I think I can I deal with the drugs and the injecting and all the side-effects - but I dont think I can do this emotionally. I feel like I could break. I dont know if I can do all of this and then be told it hasn’t worked because then I am lost. I don’t know what to do if we end up at the place - and we can - infact the odds say there is more chance that this will happen than it working and believe me luck is not normally on my side!!

As yet another friend announces her pregnancy in this ‘baby boom’ that everyone keeps telling me about, my feelings of hopelessness just deepen.

When did I become this ‘dark and twisty’ person that says ‘why isnt it me’ rather than ‘congratulations’. I feel like I don’t know me anymore. I don’t want to be jealous and I dont want to feel this horrible all of the time.  

As a girl, you think that having a baby is just something that will happen, its what we are created for at the end of the day. So it feels like something that should come naturally has been taken away. When I was at University I always thought I would be married and have four children - I even had their names picked out. That dream is fading. I can’t see that picture anymore. I feel fear and dread everyday that this time next month the dream might be over.

By doing this am I setting myself up for a massive fall that I won’t recover from?

I don’t know - I just don’t know.

Sorry for depressing everyone and bringing everyone down - tomorrow I will find my strength to carry on. I think I just need a cuddle from G - I hate it when he goes away.

xxx