Thought it was time to update my friends on where we are at in our journey to becoming parents!

As you know we changed clinic after our disaster at the old clinic. The difference in care and knowledge was tremendous.

As you all know when it comes to egg collection I do not fare well. It takes me about a week to recover and consists of pain and agony. Not so at the new clinic. The whole experience was totally different. The care was so much better. Our hospital room was lovely and clean and we had Molton Brown goodies in the bathroom (they came home with me). We had a movie channel with a list of 50 films we could watch. I went for The Kings Speech - well hello Colin!

This was the first time I had had an EC under a general and it was soooooo much better. I came round and it was all over and there was no bleeding at all. By the next day I was totally pain free. I was ecstatic!

We got 11 eggs - which is far better than ever before and we were thrilled with that! The next day we got the call to say seven were mature and all seven had fertilised. BRILLIANT……..or so we thought.

On the Sunday at blastocyst transfer day we arrived at the clinic all excited. I sat down and the embyologist came through and broke the news to us that all the embryos broke down on day four with something called vacuoles. Where the embryos receive the information in the wrong order and fill with pockets of liquid. The embyologist showed us photos of them and they looked so strange. We were heartbroken but they were very good. The Dr knew her stuff and thinks she knows what the issue is so we have to have a load more tests - oh the fun.

This time round feels like harder than ever before. Lots of my friends have been in tears and they all said they thought this was it. We received flowers from gorgeous people showing how much they care about us which was beautiful and really appreciated but we do feel guilty that people are spending their hard earned money on us. We thought this was it as well and feel at the end of our tether.

We will get through this we always do but it just feels like it is getting harder and harder. As soon as one problem is solved along comes another one. G turned to me and said he must have done something really bad in his last life, it’s just so sad.

So the fight goes on and we are now looking at a mind-blowing round five of IVF unless the specialist on Friday says it’s time to give up on this avenue.

My heart feels a little bit broken right now and I don’t know how to make the hurt go away.

xxx

This post is aimed specifically to all my dear twitter friends who I have got to know and love over the past three years.

I have decided after much deliberation and heartache to take a back seat from Twitter for a while. It is a really difficult place for me to be at the moment and for my own well-being need to re-claim me for a while. I am pleased to report that most of the people I went through round one and two with have now moved on and are bringing up beautiful babies or growing bumps. Whilst I am genuinely happy for each and every one of you it still breaks my heart a little bit every day reading your happiness. This isn’t fair on any of you as you all deserve to have that moment and so it is me that is going to bow out for a while.

I know my dearest @ivfdiary is still on this journey with me and is having such a rough time at the moment and hopes she understands my decision and knows that more than ever she can continue texting, emailing, facebooking and meeting with me as I love her dearly. I still want to be a support for people going through it and am always at the end of a phone or email and hope you do stay in contact that way.

I will be updating this blog as normal as we keep going through this journey and hope you still support me as I decide to step away for a while.

I will be talking about all other things me like fashion, books, TV etc at my day-to-day twitter @sarahnics if you want to follow my ramblings and fashion finds (I know my red jeans have become somewhat iconic).

But for now @ivfchronicles is off for a while. I love you all dearly and thank you for everything you have done to this point.

Much love and babydust

Sarah

xxxxx

We all know diet coke is bad for us - but if like me you are finding it hard to give up - take this thought with you…..

Once in the body, aspartame breaks down into formaldehyde, the substance used to preserve dead bodies.

GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

And so it begins! We are a little behind schedule….I was expecting AF to arrive whilst I was on holiday but she decided to keep me hanging on as usual and arrived when we got home - fabulous!

So as planned with my new clinic and regime, I started the contraceptive pill on day one of my cycle. It seems a little ironic for someone infertile to be taking the pill but apparently it will boost my oestrogen levels which might help the numbers of eggs we get!

I have my first scan on the 4th August to make sure we are ready to rock n roll and then it all begins. I have a nurses appointment as well as this time I have to mix the new drugs (menapur) myself (EEK) and this is freaking me out. Injecting myself I am wierdly fine with its just the whole mixing it - what if I get it wrong?

I can’t believe I am starting again. I feel positive to be with this new clinic and that they are trying something new but at the same time I know they can’t perfome miracles and get this dreaded feeling that I will be facing a massive fall once again!

People are starting to whisper the words of either giving up or adoption and I am not there yet. Adoption is something we have always been interested in and will certainly consider when the time is right. We aren’t at that point yet. I also get that people are bored to tears with all of this and don’t want to him me ramble on. Why would they, they all have beautiful families and are going out and doing lovely family things and I am turning into some wierdo sadsac that can’t pull herself together!

Limbo certainly isnt fun but this is where I have spent my 30’s and its a wierd place to be. Doing IVF for a 4th time is a very very strange place to be and there are those that are shouting be positive and I am, but with three failed cycles there also needs to be some realism in my head so that it doesnt hurt as much if the worst happens.

So we have started again and will see where it leads from here - will blog again after the 4th when I know a little more.

Adios Amigos and hopefully see you soon Matilda

xxxx

I have not blogged for ages. There really wasn’t anthing to say. I have been dancing around in Limbo for six months being poked and prodded like a guinea pig to try and discover the answers. Then we went to Lister on Friday and boy do I have my mojo back. I am finally after six months to give this damn IVF another shot.

Dr Smiles was on holiday so we went to see the fantastic Dr F. Sometimes in life you just click with someone. I found him warm and engaging and for the first time someone took in G. Spoke to him and not just me.

As we already knew, CF, chromosomes, Thyroid, iron etc all had come back perfectly normal so I was waiting for our NK cells and INT tests to come back saying exactly the same. BUT they both came back positive. It means my army that attacks foreign matter works harder than most people and might just be getting rid of the embryos instead of recognising them. This is completely treatable and I have a course of steroids that I will be taking alongside the IVF. What this does mean is that as well as the PCOS and blocked tubes, there is another factor as to why it will just never happen naturally. I did say to the Dr that ironically these NK cells dont seem to kill off the many colds and bugs that I seem to get!!

We then went on to where do we go from here. He did say its odd for me to have PCOS and not respond well to the drugs and he thinks that I may have been downregging far too long (three weeks) and its making my ovaries sluggish. So I am going to be taking the contraceptive pill to up my oestragen and then I am only going to downreg for ONE week. Just one. This is brilliant for me as normally the horrific side effects take place in weeks two and three. It is called the ‘long day 21 protocol with pill (ocP).

We are then going to try a completely new drug. It is out with the gonal F and in with the menapur. Apparently I have to mix the drugs myself which fills me with dread but he said he wasn’t worried in a veteran like me. The dose is also going to be a lot higher in the hope that we can achieve double figures.

The egg collection is also going to be done under a general and not just sedation and so thats something to not look forward too - although maybe I won’t be rushed out like I was at Oxford. It says you are there for at least four hours.

I feel ready to go. I feel like someone has listened to us and has investigated us and this is tailored to us.

The Fantastic Dr F is brilliant. I have his mobile and email address which are both free to use anytime (I did say he might regret that on the 50th call) ha ha

So when do we start, we could have started on Friday but it would have been a rush so he said to go away and enjoy our holiday and then we can start the day i get back.

I am back! :o) Come on team 2012!!!!!

So my baby prediction came back and I am having three babies which doesnt include my angel baby!

Here is what she said:

BOY - MAY so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in your son always feels the need to take care of you and his family. Hes just always going to have this very mature view point, someone who seems to think that family is everything and very important. Hes always going to go out of his way to make sure that everyone in his family is well looked after. Hes always very knowledgeable and trusting. he tends to want to think things through and is often good with making fast paced decision that usually work out well in the end. Hes got a tough persona and is not someone who can be made to bend to others wills just because they feel like it. Hes got his own little ideas his own personality that shines through. So you can either accept him and take him for the amazing person that he is, or leave him alone. Hes always excited to share his idea and any opportunity that comes his way, but is not about to take a “second seat” to anyone just because they have said so. Hes always going to have a muscular build. In his teens does plan on working out but I think that its his martial arts training that is really going to “buff” him up. I am seeing him always having the focus and dedication to this art, that hes always going to do well in any competitions. (they show him doing alot of them and “performing” in front of many people.) When it comes to career paths, they show him working in a banking atmosphere and something linked to “commercial lending”. When it comes to marriage I am seeing him closer to 26. They will have two boys of their own.   JUNE  - BOY so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in Someone who is always fun and always there for any and every opportunity. He loves to have fun and is always carefree. Ready for any adventure that comes his way and willing to take any opportunity. Hes someone who is excited about anything and it really gets you excited for it too. Its hard to have any holiday or special occasion because he is often very focused on it, asking tons of questions, wanting to be involved in the planning and always ready to be involved in any way possible.

Hes always very much the social butterfly and a gentleman at heart. You can have a get together at your house, and hes already decided that he is the right man for the job, to greet the guests at the door and collect their jackets. Hes always offering them a drink and getting it for them the minute that he sets down. He has so much fun playing different parts, that most people find him to be very entertaining and the life of the party> hes good with mimicking special voices of actors that he loves, or characters of cartoons that he likes (he likes Yogi Bear). Hes someone who can fit in with anyone and everyone and be able to feel right at home. Hes never demanding. He seems to be the type that will go with you anywhere and everywhere and able to to have fun where he is. Making the most of any situation. When it comes to your son, hes always going to try his best. Hes someone who really feels like he has let down many people and not just himself if he has not put in the effort with everything that he does. Often wanting to apologize even though everyone else already insists that its fine. When it comes to career paths, they show him linked to working in acting. They show him in “supportive” roles and later being more of a “teacher”. (for acting). When it comes to marriage I am seeing him closer to 26. They will have two boys and one girl fo their own.   GIRL - OCTOBER so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in. They do show a bigger age gap between your daughter and your son, than between your two boys.
Shes someone who is always going ot be very much a girly girl. Loves dress up clothes. Shes someone who loves to have purses and is something that shes always going to love even as she gets older. Shes someone who is going to be into make up, and goes through stages with what she wants to wear (shes a lip gloss kind of girl all the way). Shes always creative and likes to play around with it, always trying new things and styles to see what she likes. I think that you are going to find that she just seems to be creative in this area and always seems to have a flair for it. People are often asking for her opinion in regards to what she thinks would look good on them. Most times people expect her to be older than what she is. The way she thinks, talks, and carries about, more people insist that she has to be lieing about the age she claims to be, and is actually alot older… when in reality they are always a few years out and shes always younger than they think. Shes someone who is happy, easy to please and just wants to have a good time. An amazing friend and is someone who is always cherished. Shes not one to be pushed around, is “grounded” and knows what she wants in her life and what she does not. When ti comes to career paths, they show her working as a freelance makeup artist. I also see her working one day a week out of a salon as well. When it comes to marriage I am seeing her closer to 23. They will have one boy and one girl of their own.

Well any doubts that I had about making a decision were blown out the water today! Going to Lister was a great experience.

We made a day of it and went to Westfield for a spot of shopping and then to pizza express for lunch before making our way to the clinic.

The lady on reception was a little brusque and for a second I did wonder if it was Oxford all over again! But she was alright! We went to the waiting room which was lovely and there were newspapers and a TV - entertainment is not something I am used too!

Then at exactly 3pm on time our Dr came out to meet us. I can only describe him as the nicest, smilest man. So I shall call him Dr Smiles :o)

He reminded me of (and I am showing my age) the wedding planner’s assistant in Father of the Bride!

He went through our notes with us and asked us lots of questions. He showed us his stats on the fact that last year he had twenty ladies go through a fourth cycle - SIXTEEN ended up pregnant. TWELVE went on to have live births. Those are much better stats than Oxford.

People told me to beware that they might want to do 1000’s worth of tests. This is not the case. He wants me to have lots of blood tests which hopefully we can have done by our GP for free :o) He asked many questions that Oxford NEVER did. Apparently my past thyroid issues may be the cause of the failures as might my immune system (killer cells). He is also testing to see if I am a carrier of Cystic fibrosis as that can make the likelihood of implantation less.

He asked if they had done any genetic testing on the sac they retrieved from the miscarriage and was annoyed that they hadn’t.

It will take about six-eight weeks for results and then he is going to call us back in and explore my uterus to make sure all is well and then we are good to go for cycle four!

So I am going to enjoy the next two months off alongside @ivfdiary and @lilytaj taking a break and getting myself ready for it. I am going to look into my diet, exercise and well-being and give this a fabulous chance of finally working.

So thank you Dr Smiles for today and hopefully once Friday is out of the way, this can feel like a new beginning.

xxxxxx

So yesterday was our WTF appointment at Oxford to go over the three cycles and discuss what next! It has been seven weeks since the BFN so was excited to get some closure on IVF#3 and get going on what ever is next.

Now we get to the clinic and it is the doctor who did my 1st and 3rd EC’s where as you may recall I ended up in agony. He also did ET 3 so we have met many times in very personal circumstances and yet he greets me with ‘nice to meet you’. Now I understand he sees 100’s of people a week but just read your notes quickly and say hi again and at least make it personal on some level!!!!

He sits us down, no how are yous, are you ok, how are you feeling. He basically went through our notes from each cycle page by page telling us what happened and what it means. This would be ok if it didnt disagree with the Dr we saw after IVF#1 and all the embryologists.

The embryologists say the embryos are no good - he says they are as good as they get and that there must be a problem with them arresting in the petri dish as on day three they are A1 and on day 5 most have arrested and broken down. Who is right? Because of this he said he would recommend that we have day 3 transfers from now on - HELLO!!! Is that not what I asked for after IVF#2 and she told me I was wrong and that blastocyst was always better. I also fell pregnant on a day 3 transfer which is why I wanted to go for that again!

The doctor on IVF#1 said vertially all their patients would be pregnant within the three cycles, Dr ‘Butcher’ said most people take between 4-6??? This isnt right in the experience I have had meeting my IVF friends.

I said as I have had three failed cycles what testing would they do as Dr after IVF#1 said he would analyse further if still no success. Dr Butcher says there is no testing that can help and would simply ‘up the dose of gonal f again’. Everything I have read has said after three cycles you should look into immunology etc

Embryologist said we should look into donor eggs, he says our embryos are perfect - I am baffled - truly baffled. He said if we went back to them he would be managing my cycle - which would mean physical agony and mental torture again.

I am so confused. G says we should get our notes and take them to another clinic where they can advise us properly on the way forward. I keep hearing about the good DR’s at my clinic but I never get to see them - I get the massachist who lives in in agony or the woman who refers to my miscarriage as an issue.

What next? Who the hell knows.

I feel less hope than I did 18 months ago and don’t know where to turn.

My twitter is broken on my home computer so can’t talk to my girls who get me through anything. I am sending my love and hugs to @lilytaj and @jillyjohn who have had crappy days too xxxx

Dear friends,

This blog post is for you whether you are my family, my friends or my on-line friends.

Starting the ‘trying to concieve’ journey three years ago I never thought I would be here now. I always knew that due to my PCOS and blocked tubes it wouldn’t be easy but here we are at the crossroads looking at what road to take.

This past year we have been through so much. I have now had three failed cycles of IVF and feel like we have taken steps backwards rather than forwards. I don’t think we ever thought that all three cycles would fail and we would be sat here wondering what to do. I don’t think anyone can understand just what a cycle of IVF takes out of you and changes you. I think its also difficult to understand what its like when a cycle doesn’t work. I think youv’e been pumped full of so many drugs, had painful and undignified procedures done and put your heart and soul into something and then it all comes crashing down around you when you pee on a stick and that line doesn’t appear.

The miscarriage in August tore me apart. It was too much pain. Taking a pregnancy test and it actually saying ‘pregnant’ was the happiest moment of my life. I walked around for two weeks smiling and knowing I was the luckiest girl in the world and I let myself be happy. Then it was cruelly taken away from me when my six week scan showed my baby had gone. Then having to be scanned week after week to ‘double-check’ my baby wasn’t just hiding was unbearable and having the ERPC was the lowest point of my life. I don’t know how I would ever get through feeling like that ever again. It makes me thankful that this cycle was a flat no.

I havent felt like blogging at all this cycle so to cut it short - we had nine eggs which was fabulous and six fertilised. Unfortunately by day 5 when we went to go for embryo transfer four of the embryos and broken down and died and two had stopped developing, they put them in ‘just in case’ and we got the big fat negative yesterday. I got my period a week ago which is seriously wrong and something we need to bring up with the clinic at the review meeting.

We now need to assess whether the experts think there is any point doing IVF again or if they think we should try something else such as egg donation etc. Then we probably need to look at the surrogacy/adoption route and see where we stand with that.

To my friends, I apologise whole heartedly if anyone has missed me this past year. I know I haven’t been any fun and I know most of you are probably bored to tears with the whole saga (as am I) but I am going through an incredibly painful and difficult time. The charity RESOLVE say that its very difficult for people with children to grasp what this road feels like and I find it really hard trying to convey to people how difficult it is. Especially at 32 when most of my friends have children. I have had friends say that they don’t know how to act or help and so here is a link to a really good article from the AFA:

http://theafa.typepad.com/theafablog/2010/08/how-friends-and-family-can-support-an-infertile-woman.html

I apologise to my friend whose christening I missed yesterday. I have always been proud of the fact that I haven’t given into my infertility and let it beat me. Yesterday I had to do just that. I felt awful and disappointed in myself and may always regret not being there. I just hurt all the time at the moment.

I have also had people in the past year say that I am too vocal about something that is an incredibly private matter. Trust me I get that. But it is such a huge part of my life at the moment - I think I talked about it a lot to try and explain why I might not be much fun.

If we do decide to go ahead with another cycle of IVF it is going to cost us a lot of money and I might not have the money to do all the things I would love to do and I apologise in advance for that. It isnt that I dont love any of you and believe that I will be just as sad missing out on your important life events.

I am not me at the moment and I am not sure who me is anymore. I am going to concentrate on my writing this year and try and make at least one dream come true. Maybe Patrick Dempsey will turn up on my doorstep too :o)

To all of my friends with children - cherish them with everything you have (I know you do). You are luckier than you will ever know and hopefully one day and somehow there will be a little Noah or Matilda in our life to bring some joy back.

xxxx

So I decided to spend my weekend at the Fertility Show at the Olympia in Kensington, London. I thought I would go along as I like to be prepared. I need to know that there are choices and options available if this last round of NHS IVF doesn’t work.

Unfortunately G was at a 30th birthday so my best mate kindly came with me!

When I saw the list of exhibitors I saw it as a good chance to get a feel for which private clinic might be the one for me. As quite a sensitive soul I want a clinic which is going to treat me as an individual and attention and not see me as just another number. I had been given recommendations and ideas by people so was looking forward to finding out more.

Then there was the list of potential seminars - I liked the sound of a lot of them and there did seem to be something for everyone! It was at this point I sadly found out that most of the seminar’s were sold out which will teach me to get my bum in gear next time ;o) I really wanted to see ‘improving the odds of IVF working for you’. I did however manage to get tickets to the one seminar I wanted to go to called ‘top ten tips to cope with infertility’ by Anya Sizer.

On arrival at the show, we were greeted and given a comprehensive 32 page booklet.  It included a floor plan which was invaluable to me as it is a little daunting when you walk in.

The first stall (no.41) I made my way too was the wonderful and lovely Camille at the To Hatch stand. She has spent time and thought putting together a website for the fertility community www.to-hatch.co.uk.  It is a fabulous website which allows the user to look up clinics and see how well they are doing both statistically and through user reviews. I couldn’t wait to get home and give my thoughts on my clinic :o). I won’t tell you anymore about it but ask you to go to the website and take a peek - it’s impressive!

The Zita West were as expected very busy. Zita was there herself and was inundated with people so I didnt get to speak to her. But I did pick up information on her vitamin programme which I am interested in looking into further. I also learnt more about positive visualisation through hypnosis. A one off session which her clinic offers - as she says there is growing evidence that the use of hypnosis leading up to embryo transfer may also significantly improve the IVF outcome. I think this is something I may book :o)

The people at the Duofertility stand were ever so funny. This guy walked up to my friend and I and said ‘I can guarentee to get you pregnant within 12 months or your money back’ - we were like ‘you personally’ - apparently they have a system to help and support people to get pregnant naturally. Not useful with blocked tubes as I pointed out and he said sorry he couldnt help me. His parting gift - a pregnancy test - how strange???

We then went to the RIC stand (reproductive immunology centre) - depending on how cycle three ends I might give these people a visit. They offer all the immunology tests that Oxford won’t do.

The other stalls I decided to visit were all potential private clinics - I had decided to look at (althought Barbados and Florida did seem appealing):

* The London Fertility clinic (spire fertility)

* The centre for reproductive and genetic health

* 92 Harley Street

* Lister fertility clinic

* Bridge

* CRM London

I already had swaying thoughts about who I might like and my perceptions had very much changed by the end of the day. I think the biggest let down of the six was the Bridge clinic. I have heard so many good recommendations that I had high hopes. There stall was arkwardly located and it was very difficult to even get to the front and speak to someone. When I did finally speak to someone it was a very rushed ‘how can I get rid of you quick enough?’ type conversation. The lady said they were doing free consultations all day but sadly they were fully booked as were the up coming open days. She didn’t make me feel welcome at all.

However on approaching the centre for reproductive and genetic health there was a better feeling of calm. A girl smiled and gave me a pack of information, told me the answers to what I asked and then when I asked a medical question before I knew it there was a Dr sitting me down and talking me through tests and things that they can do. My clinic had said there was nothing that can be done about egg quality which he laughed at and he told me what he could do. He left me feeling very positive and that there were still things to be done that we hadn’t yet. It gave me a sense of hope I have not had in a long long time.

I was also impressed by Spire. I sat talking to their nurse for a long time and she was telling me about there assigned nurse policy which seemed like a fab idea. Continuity of service is one thing that you dont get at my clinic.

SO at the end of all of this it was 3.15 and time to go to the top ten tips talk. It was good just to sit down and listen to someone who knows exactly what you have been through and validate the way that you feel and that you arent going mad. I was glad one of the clinics had given me a pad and pen as it meant I was able to note down some of Anya’s fab tips - I will see if she has a link to them somewhere? Everything she said made total sense and reinforced things I knew deep down but dont actually do. For example it being down to me to say ‘hey I am not coping today’ or ‘can we go out and do some shopping today?’.

The best feeling sitting in the seminar was looking round the room and feeling a sense of solidarity and belonging amongst a room full of women all going through the same thing. When most of the time I feel very alone it was nice to be with people sadly going through it too. It shocked me to find myself very close to tears throughout Anya’s presentation.

It was nice to round off the day with some good and funny friends at a firework display and laugh and have fun and be normal again. I felt a sparkle of myself appearing that I havent felt since August!

I feel (for today) a renewed positivity that I will meet Matilda. It is just one long old battle.

xxxx